Christmas morning

Christmas morning I'm dreaming of a white Christmas... In brace bridge this morning there's a beautiful new layer of snow. There's still no wind, and the temps not that cold, it's just enough to be a pretty postcard for the morning, but not make the roads too hazardous or anything. The boys woke me up before the iPad this morning. Martini had crawled underneath the covers and lie against my side, Rossi was on top of the covers, chattering for martini and breakfast. Ron was deeply asleep by my side, having successfully stolen all the covers last night! I'm very content and happy this morning, and very  grateful for my life, I have a wonderful little family, fantastic extended family and lots of good friends, not to mention my life partner, my adult and very independent-minded children, my health and our home. I'm determined to enjoy the next few days, as busy as it will be. Today's the last day of quiet I will get this week, so I plan to exploit it vociferously.

Christmas Eve

Christmas eve morning at the cottage Just the four of us,, very quiet and cozy No wind, sun peeking out from the trees Icy snow flakes drifting down Sparkling like precious gems  Floating with downy feathers the kittens perched on the sill, watching for winter birds Bacon hissing in the pan, coffee steaming in our cups Sweet and comforting as my lovers embrace The trees stretching out to enjoy the warmth of the early winter sun Standing sentinel to guard our privacy and seclusion  The wood stove stands cold, evidence of last nights fire perfuming the air The firepit stands beckoning, ready for the ceremonial burning of trash Bringing closure to this years disappointments, and wiping the slate clean for a fresh start. My new ring twinkles in the early sun, encircling my fourth finger with the clasp of my lovers promise His new ring gleams in the light too, as solid, and stalwart as my love for him Peace on this beautiful morning Love for our life together Optimism for our future Passion for our love Im sitting in the cottage living room, watching a beautiful sight, my little family having a cozy and restful nap in the late morning sun. Rons on the couch, stretched out and deeply asleep.   I see his ring, gleaming dully in the weak morning light. I love his ring, so solid, industrial, so him!  It means so much to have him wear it. I don't now if I'll ever get used to seeing it on his left hand, I hope not.  It's a true symbol, not an empty promise, and it's so beautiful.  I've covered him up with a soft crocheted blanket from one of Rosemary's steamer trunks. Martini is snuggled up against his side, front paws stretched out in that typical fashion of a very relaxed and sleepy kitten. Rossi is on his back, stretched and contorted against martinis butt, front paws reached out over his head and back toes curled tightly, his vulnerable underbelly open for some serious snorggelling, which I may indulge in later. But at the moment I'm enjoying the moment of contentment I see laid out before me.  When one of them stirs or moves, they all do. They are in sync and rapport, perfectly content together, no worries, no stress, totally at peace, although I think Rossi may be having some kittie dreams, he's twitching like he's chasing some dream mousies or possibly some evil yarn.   Just came in from outside where Ron and I had a ritual burning  in the firepit. After making a base of tinder, kindling and paper, we poured on a little coal oil and lit it. As it caught, i threw in my old business cards, andy my old meeting notebook from my old job. It was quite therapeutic to watch it burn, not out of spite but for closure. It felt great to let the smoke flow over me and wash away my negative feelings, leaving only the positive things that I learned there.  It was a wonderful thing to share with Ron,it was fitting that he was my helpmate for this ritual, just like in our life. After all, he had to listen to all my worries, angst and whining before, during and after I got let go. He should be an active participant in this cleansing.  I now feel like I've put it behind me and am ready for the new year, new career, anew challenges, all with me man beside me.

Why?

Why do things always happen at the MOST inconvenient time?

For the 2nd week in a row, I've been in the "top two" candidates for really good jobs.  And for the 2nd week in a row, "I'm sorry, we've decided to go with the other candidate" has been the response.  It's exhausting waiting for answers from these multiple interview processes.  I don't understand what I'm doing wrong, and I'm not getting any feedback on why the decision was made that way.

Am I too old? too fat? Spinach in my teeth?  I know it's not my resume, experience or interview skills. I want to have a relaxing, fun Christmas, and not worry about stuff.

I'm just feeling sorry for myself today.  I'm sure by tomorrow I'll have my equilibrium back, but right now I'm off balance.

Suck it up, buttercup!

I'm not 17 anymore, and I know myself pretty darn well (one of the advantages of being 40+!)  I know that I can have the tendency to feel sorry for myself.  But today I'm realizing how lucky I am, and am trying to embrace and be thankful for my blessings.  Things can always be worse - I'm healthy, I have a stable and happy home, two wonderful offspring, two wonderful kittehs, and a fantastic, supportive partner.  I have the opportunity to reinvent my career, and really take control of it.

And I have great friends - friends who reach out to me (because I SUCK at staying in touch), friends who, in the midst of their own issues, send me info, referrals, and love. I'm thinking of my friends today, hoping they are well, and happy, and as blessed as I am. I'm thinking of my friends who are going through challenges, particularly today, and want them to know that I KNOW they will overcome those challenges, they will conquer the mountain.  There may be some unpleasant medicine, but know that the love and support of your friends and family with be the spoonful of sugar that helps it go down.

Today is a day for thinking positively, for taking action and for seizing the day!

Carpe diem!

What a Week! Thank Goodness I'm on "VK"!

It was an incredibly busy week, considering all the time I had on my hands, but I got a lot done, and accomplished most of my goals.

I had several rehearsals for choir and singing, and performed on Friday night at the Aurora Seniors' Centre with my choir buddy, Bill.  It was a great night, everyone was very friendly and seemed to enjoy themselves immensely.  I certainly did!  I also rehearsed with Heather for our duet for the Winter Concert - that one is going to turn out really well, based on our early efforts!  We had a really nice evening too, lots of talking and sharing.

Progress is being made on the choir's singalong booklets, I'm hoping to have that done very soon.  I also started working on the choir's scarves, had to run some tests to see what the best settings would be on my machine to  hem them, they're going to look great.  They have to be done before Nov 12, which is our next performance, so I've got to get smokin' on them!

A friend saw my blog last week and offered to give me a bit of help with the website and logo - her initial efforts were impressive, it's amazing what a fresh eye can do to improve something you're too close too! I was really touched by her offer to help, as well.

The draft proofing on the house is mostly done, and the garage is all cleaned out and fits my car!  RT thought it would be a good idea - it never occurred to me (duh!) And both cars have been cleaned out, and the windows cleaned, etc.  I've got to get my snow tires put on this week, and get an oil change, too!

I've started a new needle-painting project - quite an ambitious one, if I do say so - I'll post pics once it's complete.

My office space has been reorganized, cleaned and re imagined.  All the files have been organized, purged and the old contents shredded and recycled.

I've set up accounts on Workopolis and Monster, and queries on some local job searches, and sent out a few resumes to specific positions.  I have an agreement with LWM for an initial analysis of their customer base, I'll send out the contract and confid agreements to them this week. I had coffee with another colleague and got some great advice and encouragement from her.

RT is finished afternoons for a couple of weeks, that's a relief, but we still managed to find time to spend together, and relax. He's been a wonderful support during this transition and he's so much fun.

Free! Free I tell you!

Well, I'm done.  I'm at home, officially "on vacation", but really effectively unemployed for the moment.  I don't imagine it will last very long, but I will take a couple of days to stitch my ego firmly back into place,  and make my plans for the future.

The first of which is to finish my website for Peregrine Visions Consulting and get my business cards done.  I want to wait for N to do a logo for me, but I haven't heard from her in a while, which usually means she's very busy with college and stuff, so I don't hold out much hope.

The second is to organize my finances, figure out EXACTLY how much money I need to bring in to keep the wolves from the door.

But for today, just today, I'm going to laze around the house with my kittens, snack and craft. And breathe...  in AND out.

Career Developments - on Steroids!

Lots of excitement and change in the works right now.

My current position has not really worked out, I've known that for a while, and had planned to migrate to contract with them in January, so that I could branch out and explore new opportunities.

That decision has come to fruition, just a couple of months ahead of schedule. I'm going to be moving to full-time contracting as of Nov 1, and I'm both excited and terrified of the opportunities this will present to me.  The old adage "be careful what you wish for..." keeps resounding in my head. :-)

I've established a business identity "Peregrine Visions Consulting" and am in the process of finishing up a website for it.  I have a temporary logo, while I wait for one of my favourite artists to design me something, and I'm looking forward to doing some great things for clients/colleagues that I have had to refuse for the past ten months.

I have a lot of emotions in my head right now about the transition, and the decision, but I'm going to focus on the positive ones - I'm really proud of the work I did in the last ten months, and I'm proud I had the gumption to jump out of my comfort zone and try something different. You can't make the horse drink the water, there are things that I couldn't control, but I did the very best I could, and I'm happy with that.  I've made some good friends, that I hope will continue to stay in contact with me after the transition, and I've burned no bridges.  I'm blessed with a supportive partner who is encouraging, empathetic and an excellent cheerleader, and I've got a nice little office set up that I'm looking forward to working in, not to mention two excellent "assistants"...

More later.

Wow! How can it be October already???

I don't know where the time is going! But it seems to be going fast, and I'm going nowhere. I need to get so much done, and my list doesn't seem to get any shorter. grrrr

There's the Choir, and the Music Secretary stuff to work on.
There's my business, and the office, and paperwork.
There's the craft room, which is a DISASTER.  I bought a new sewing machine over a week ago and it's still in the box!  Not to mention the six or seven craft projects I have on the go.
There's the nightstand refinishing, which are half stripped and in pieces in the garage.
There's me - need to exercise, need to relax, need to get a manicure!

So why am I here, sitting in the dark, whining about it??  'Cause I can't sleep (again!) and I read that if you write it down you will stop worrying about it and relax enough to sleep.  meh. we'll see if it works.

The reality is that I am my own worst enemy. I volunteer for stuff, I start all kinds of stuff and over commit my time. Yep that's me.  And I do like to be busy. No, scratch that, I like to feel accomplished. And I do that by having a big list and scratching stuff off it. No feeling like that "tick". LOL

I've decided to take next week off.  I've got a lot to do (see above), but also a lot of thinking and planning to do.  And hopefully, by the end of the week, I will feel a bit more in control and have a plan for the immediate future.  Note to self: must think positively! :-)

Sing... Sing a song... Sing out loud...

Sing out strong...

Ah... It was great to be back at Choir last night - first rehearsal of the season.  Lovely to see everyone, and registration went very smoothly.  We ran through five or six of the more familiar songs, and started working on a new medley for the Winter Concert.

I am always surprised by the magic that happens at choir.  There's something about the way the voices blend, the way the rich tones of close harmony create something greater than the sum of it's parts, which always takes me aback. I was reminded again how powerful teamwork and collaboration are, and that it can create something really special.  A metaphor for life, perhaps?

But, I'm getting too introspective for this early in the morning. Suffice to say rehearsal went very very well, and I'm very excited for the new season. We're going to have a few new opportunities to perform, as well as our usual concerts, and even a "field trip" to Stratford to see Jesus Christ Superstar!  That should be a lot of fun.  I gave the music for my solo to the accompanyist, Sapphire, and hopefully I'll be able to get her music recorded so that I can rehearse it on my own.

Lots of follow up work to do as well, including updating the Choir Members list, the repertoire list for this season, stamping, recording and filing the new music the Prez brought me, and correcting some email addresses. I'll do that tonight so that I can relax about it, and just practise the music for the rest of the week, while I look forward to next Monday's rehearsal.

A challenging, but rewarding, weekend

Did something I never thought I'd have to do this weekend, "help" someone detox.  I have a very dear friend, who for obvious reasons will remain anonymous, who's been taking Oxycontin for almost four years, buying from a dealer and wasting their brain cells and their money.

They've been ratcheting down their daily intake for a few months now, but it was time to go off it completely.  There was very little I could do, except be there for support.  Watching the sweats, the hot / cold flashes, the nausea, the joint pain, it was difficult, but I'm glad I was there to support my friend in this decison.  I think it's a very brave thing to do, unquestionably right, but very courageous and difficult nonetheless.  I'm convinced that if anyone knew the pain and effort required to detox from this drug, they'd never take it in the first place.

Every day, the symptoms became less and my friend's personality started to come to life again. They said the clarity they felt by the fourth day was astounding, although they still felt terrible.  My friend's going back to work today, and I truly hope they know how much I'll be thinking about them, sending good vibrations their way. This brave soul is one of my heroes, and I know they'll be able to win this fight!

It's been one of those days...

Sigh...

Not enough sleep, and PMS, and... ok that's enough with the excuses!

Got into a thing with my boss today, he's not happy and neither am I.  But neither of us are wrong either. We just need to work on our communication. It's been a long dreary summer, work-wise, and it's possible I've gotten a bit sloppy in the slowness.  But I'm resolved to fix it, and work on keeping my focus.

After many years of doing a job that I was really good at, but was really boring, it's tough to hear I'm not measuring up.  As soon as I get my ego back in it's cage, I'm going to use this as a learning opportunity, and be all the better for it.

RT says that I take my work very personally, and that's true.  For a long time work was all I had, all I was good at.  Now I have a much fuller, balanced life, but I still take my work very seriously.  The problem is that I'm reliant on outside validation and approval, to justify my work. Must work on that, do my best, know that it's my best, and consider my own approval enough.

But for the moment, pass the wine...

I. AM. AN. IDIOT.

Wow, what a day Saturday was!  RT and I had stayed up late on Friday night, so we had a lovely sleep in on Saturday morning.  Then, we got up, went to the market and did the grocery shopping.  I feel a big cooking session coming on with all the food we stocked up with!  But I digress from the point of this entry.  (More about the food later...) On Friday I mentioned how I wanted to go to the cemetery where my parents are, tidy it up a bit and show it to him.  And I casually mentioned how it was very near where my daughter works at a restaurant.  `Why don`t we go there for dinner, then` he suggested. Sure, sounds good I said without thinking.

But then Saturday, as we`re doing errands I start to have doubts. If you`ve been reading along with this blog, you know that I have been somewhat estranged from my daughter for several months now, and it`s been killing me.  The opportunity to perhaps see her was exciting, but scary too! She`s never met RT, actually refused to come to our home, and hasn`t said a word to me since May.  I had pretty much decided it was a bad idea and I couldn`t do it when RT says at the last store in our errands - Do you want to buy your daughter a birthday card?  I started to say, no, I think we shouldn't go, when he says, come on now, it's going to be fine, this is a good idea, you need to face it.  Argghhh. But I was scared and nervous.  Maybe not knowing anything was better than outright rejection... (I know, I know, I said exactly the opposite a few entries ago).  I hugged him and whispered that I was scared and needed a "push".  He knew exactly what I meant.  We chose a card, a funny one, and some flowers, pale pink roses, to take to her.  And went home to unload all that delicious food.

Later in the day I drove us down to North York and took RT to see the cemetery.  It was a nice moment, and it inspired me to tell him all kinds of little stories about when I was a child.  And then we drove to the restaurant.  I was so nervous, I almost forgot the flowers in the car!

I was really doubting this was a good idea, but he was right there, supporting me and understanding exactly what I was feeling.  That helped a lot.

We walked into the restaurant and I saw her at the bar.  She looked great!  She glanced up at me and turned away!  OMG! I felt my heart break, and I froze.  Then, she looked up again and said! "Oh, my, it's my Mom!" in a big happy voice, with a big happy smile.  She hadn't recognized me! (I'm not sure what to make of that, other than perhaps I was a complete surprise and out of context, too.  I can't imagine I look that different!)

I got a hug, it felt wonderful, and I introduced her to RT.  They shook hands and she kept smiling.  But it wasn't the smile of a professional bartend, it was the happy smile of someone truly glad to see us. Whew.  We sat in the bar for our dinner, it was very quiet, still early, so she was able to serve us, as well as talk to us.  So much information! She's doing really well at work, I could see that, she'd paid for her school for this year from her own money she made over the summer, she was all ready for the new semester except for a couple of things, her boyfriend was fine, she actually knew what her brother was up to, which means they are talking to one another (cool!), and all is well.

this is why I am an idiot.

She's not mad at me, she's just being a normal, 20 year old, busy, social woman, enjoying her life and moving forward.  All the animosity I saw, or imagined, was just a productive of my idiotic brain and ego, filling in the blanks with catastophications and doom and gloom.

And best of all possible goodbyes, not only did I get a great big hug, but so did RT!  He was so shocked and pleased!

I wept on the way home... from anger at myself, to relief, to happiness, to love, it ran the whole gamut. But this morning I feel lighter, less burdened, and so appreciative of my world, my family, my partner.

It's a beautiful morning,  but I AM STILL AN IDIOT.

p.s. Was just reading one of my favourite sites, and this link says it all... http://www.google.ca/reader/view/?tab=my#stream/feed%2Fhttp%3A%2F%2Ffeeds.feedburner.com%2FICanHasCheezburger

Lovely visit

My bestie from Ottawa came by last night on her way to a family visit in London.  It was great to spend the evening with her and catch up on all our news.  It's always wonderful to have her visit, she can always be counted on to provide me with sound counsel and juicy gossip!

She brought gifts for us and the boys - the boys loved her (and her presents!).  I'm so glad our home has a guest room so she can come by on her way through town.

Crazy Storm last night!

The thunder! The lightning! The rain!

Oh my goodness it was scary!  and RT was on afternoons, so it was just me and "the boys".  I don't know who was more nervous, me or the kittens - they were cowering under the bed and i was cowering under the covers!  and then, the migraine hit.  ouch, it was a bad one.

When my honey came home, he brought me an icepack and tried to make me feel better, bless him, and when I finally slept, I never heard a thing the rest of the night, he must have tiptoed!

Hope everyone is safe out there, and that they don't have significant storm damage!

Update

Lovely dinner last night with a good friend who I don't get to spend nearly enough time with. It was great to sit and talk and relax and get caught up.  And it's always helpful to have a fresh perspective on issues and challenges, she said something to me that really made me realize that I'm overpersonalizing the situation with my daughter.  I'm glad she is comfortable enough to tell me the truth, it's great to have good friends.

And good partners!  Who came home early, told me he'd been thinking about our conversation from yesterday (which had been about work), and gave me his perspective.  He had been smart and sensitive enough not to suggest a "fix", especially right away, but I valued his input and honesty.  Then when I came downstairs this morning there was another lovely note telling me he'd made me a lunch, taken care of some of the household chores, and wanted to let me know how much he cares about me.

That's one of the best things about the afternoon shift - we communicate by notes on the kitchen counter as we usually don't see too much of each other, and they are often funny, usually sweet, and always make me smile.

My bestie from Ottawa is coming through town tomorrow, can't wait to see her! and she'll get to meet "the boys".  It will be great to spend the evening with her tomorrow and hear all about what's going on with her life, I miss her!



P.S. Still no response from my daughter, and my son's working so much he doesn't have any free time... maybe next week.

Weekend for repairing and reflection

Well, our dinner party never happened, the guests had to cancel last minute, a family issue. Oh well, it was good for us to spend time together with our kitties, and enjoy each other's company.

We went to Ikea on Saturday, and spent part of Sunday putting together our purchases.  I really like building things with him, and working together - there's no competition, no challenging, just collaboration and cooperation - wow!

It was good to get busy, especially on Sunday. I was getting on the very edge of blue, I miss my daughter desperately, and it's her 20th birthday tomorrow. I haven't heard anything from her in more than 3 months, and it's worse than downright aggression.  Not knowing what's going on is more painful than anything she might have to say to me. I email her regularly, and comment on her Facebook occasionally, and try to stay in touch without being annoying, I know she hates my life right now, but she doesn't really KNOW my life right now,so how can she hate it?  sigh, it really, really bothers me.  Sometimes I can't decide which is more destructive... the crushing sadness about it, or the boiling anger that sometimes bubbles up.   I had to go to Staples today, to get some things for the house and office.  Seeing all those kids getting their school supplies made me very sad and nostalgic for those simpler days, when she and I would head to Staples to pick out this year's binders, notebooks and stuff. Sigh. Well, she's a college girl now, and has her own life. That's what I'm supposed to want as a good mother, right? Our little girl's turning into independently thinking and confident, intelligent young women, right?  Well, I guess I got my wish. Too bad it seems to have come with total dissatisfaction of my parenting skills.

It's been a tough week for everyone...

I'm glad it's over.  Bring on the weekend!

There was some heavy duty air-clearing yesterday, a lot of honesty and a lot of tears. It has exhausted everyone, but it's all for the good.

Looking forward to dinner guests on Saturday night, should be a fun and relaxing evening.

Was it a nightmare, or was it real?

That was the feeling I woke up with this morning. I was, for just a minute or two, unsure if the phone call I got yesterday afternoon from a dear friend was a bad dream, or if it had actually happened.  It was very bad news, she's ill and in for the fight of her life. She knows I will be there for whatever she needs, whenever she needs it, but I feel so damn angry and helpless!

Why is it that the  people with the biggest hearts go through the worst stuff?  This woman is an ANGEL, caring and sincere in her appreciation of others, highly intelligent, honest as the day is long, and truly great at her vocation.  Really?  She's the one that gets the Big C? 

I know, no-one said life was going to be fair, but damn it, it should be.

Congrats to the 3rd Newtonbrook Rovers...

for having such a successful weekend celebrating their 50th anniversary!  What a great turnout!  I was so proud to be involved with, and help out in a minor way.  We're tired, dirty, and slightly hung over, but it was all worth it.  Congrats to Dave, Rosemary and entire committee for hosting such a great event!

A Quiet, but productive evening...

After dropping off Ron's kids back in their hometown, we took the long, and somewhat lonely drive back home. It was also the first time we'd left the boys for more than a couple of hours, so we were a bit anxious as to what trouble they'd gotten themselves into. 

But it was worrying for nothing, they were fine (of course!) and very happy to see us.  There's something so wonderful about being greeted at the door, with squeaks and purrs and meows, with upturned tails and a happy tilt to their ears.  It makes me very happy to be home.

To distract ourselves from the emptiness of the kids' absence (it's always a wrench, esp. for Ron) that we got busy... busy in the kitchen that is!  We reorganized the pantry to make room for the kitty supplies, retied the tomato plants, which are threatening to take over the backyard, and watered the garden.  By the time is was time to retire, the kitchen and backyard were organized, clean and beautiful!  It's great to live with a partner who enjoys a tidy home... he inspires me to be more tidy as well. (It certainly doesn't come naturally to me, much to my  frustration!)

Today we've got a lot of stuff to do to get organized for the http://3rdnewtonbrookrovers.weebly.com/ Newtonbrook Rovers 50th Anniversary - should be a great weekend.  I'm slated to photo the events, so I've got to get my equipment ready, plus pack for us, get a cake and decorate it with the logo,  could be a fun day!