Sigh...
Not enough sleep, and PMS, and... ok that's enough with the excuses!
Got into a thing with my boss today, he's not happy and neither am I. But neither of us are wrong either. We just need to work on our communication. It's been a long dreary summer, work-wise, and it's possible I've gotten a bit sloppy in the slowness. But I'm resolved to fix it, and work on keeping my focus.
After many years of doing a job that I was really good at, but was really boring, it's tough to hear I'm not measuring up. As soon as I get my ego back in it's cage, I'm going to use this as a learning opportunity, and be all the better for it.
RT says that I take my work very personally, and that's true. For a long time work was all I had, all I was good at. Now I have a much fuller, balanced life, but I still take my work very seriously. The problem is that I'm reliant on outside validation and approval, to justify my work. Must work on that, do my best, know that it's my best, and consider my own approval enough.
But for the moment, pass the wine...
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
I. AM. AN. IDIOT.
Wow, what a day Saturday was! RT and I had stayed up late on Friday night, so we had a lovely sleep in on Saturday morning. Then, we got up, went to the market and did the grocery shopping. I feel a big cooking session coming on with all the food we stocked up with! But I digress from the point of this entry. (More about the food later...) On Friday I mentioned how I wanted to go to the cemetery where my parents are, tidy it up a bit and show it to him. And I casually mentioned how it was very near where my daughter works at a restaurant. `Why don`t we go there for dinner, then` he suggested. Sure, sounds good I said without thinking.
But then Saturday, as we`re doing errands I start to have doubts. If you`ve been reading along with this blog, you know that I have been somewhat estranged from my daughter for several months now, and it`s been killing me. The opportunity to perhaps see her was exciting, but scary too! She`s never met RT, actually refused to come to our home, and hasn`t said a word to me since May. I had pretty much decided it was a bad idea and I couldn`t do it when RT says at the last store in our errands - Do you want to buy your daughter a birthday card? I started to say, no, I think we shouldn't go, when he says, come on now, it's going to be fine, this is a good idea, you need to face it. Argghhh. But I was scared and nervous. Maybe not knowing anything was better than outright rejection... (I know, I know, I said exactly the opposite a few entries ago). I hugged him and whispered that I was scared and needed a "push". He knew exactly what I meant. We chose a card, a funny one, and some flowers, pale pink roses, to take to her. And went home to unload all that delicious food.
Later in the day I drove us down to North York and took RT to see the cemetery. It was a nice moment, and it inspired me to tell him all kinds of little stories about when I was a child. And then we drove to the restaurant. I was so nervous, I almost forgot the flowers in the car!
I was really doubting this was a good idea, but he was right there, supporting me and understanding exactly what I was feeling. That helped a lot.
We walked into the restaurant and I saw her at the bar. She looked great! She glanced up at me and turned away! OMG! I felt my heart break, and I froze. Then, she looked up again and said! "Oh, my, it's my Mom!" in a big happy voice, with a big happy smile. She hadn't recognized me! (I'm not sure what to make of that, other than perhaps I was a complete surprise and out of context, too. I can't imagine I look that different!)
I got a hug, it felt wonderful, and I introduced her to RT. They shook hands and she kept smiling. But it wasn't the smile of a professional bartend, it was the happy smile of someone truly glad to see us. Whew. We sat in the bar for our dinner, it was very quiet, still early, so she was able to serve us, as well as talk to us. So much information! She's doing really well at work, I could see that, she'd paid for her school for this year from her own money she made over the summer, she was all ready for the new semester except for a couple of things, her boyfriend was fine, she actually knew what her brother was up to, which means they are talking to one another (cool!), and all is well.
this is why I am an idiot.
She's not mad at me, she's just being a normal, 20 year old, busy, social woman, enjoying her life and moving forward. All the animosity I saw, or imagined, was just a productive of my idiotic brain and ego, filling in the blanks with catastophications and doom and gloom.
And best of all possible goodbyes, not only did I get a great big hug, but so did RT! He was so shocked and pleased!
I wept on the way home... from anger at myself, to relief, to happiness, to love, it ran the whole gamut. But this morning I feel lighter, less burdened, and so appreciative of my world, my family, my partner.
It's a beautiful morning, but I AM STILL AN IDIOT.
p.s. Was just reading one of my favourite sites, and this link says it all... http://www.google.ca/reader/view/?tab=my#stream/feed%2Fhttp%3A%2F%2Ffeeds.feedburner.com%2FICanHasCheezburger
But then Saturday, as we`re doing errands I start to have doubts. If you`ve been reading along with this blog, you know that I have been somewhat estranged from my daughter for several months now, and it`s been killing me. The opportunity to perhaps see her was exciting, but scary too! She`s never met RT, actually refused to come to our home, and hasn`t said a word to me since May. I had pretty much decided it was a bad idea and I couldn`t do it when RT says at the last store in our errands - Do you want to buy your daughter a birthday card? I started to say, no, I think we shouldn't go, when he says, come on now, it's going to be fine, this is a good idea, you need to face it. Argghhh. But I was scared and nervous. Maybe not knowing anything was better than outright rejection... (I know, I know, I said exactly the opposite a few entries ago). I hugged him and whispered that I was scared and needed a "push". He knew exactly what I meant. We chose a card, a funny one, and some flowers, pale pink roses, to take to her. And went home to unload all that delicious food.
Later in the day I drove us down to North York and took RT to see the cemetery. It was a nice moment, and it inspired me to tell him all kinds of little stories about when I was a child. And then we drove to the restaurant. I was so nervous, I almost forgot the flowers in the car!
I was really doubting this was a good idea, but he was right there, supporting me and understanding exactly what I was feeling. That helped a lot.
We walked into the restaurant and I saw her at the bar. She looked great! She glanced up at me and turned away! OMG! I felt my heart break, and I froze. Then, she looked up again and said! "Oh, my, it's my Mom!" in a big happy voice, with a big happy smile. She hadn't recognized me! (I'm not sure what to make of that, other than perhaps I was a complete surprise and out of context, too. I can't imagine I look that different!)
I got a hug, it felt wonderful, and I introduced her to RT. They shook hands and she kept smiling. But it wasn't the smile of a professional bartend, it was the happy smile of someone truly glad to see us. Whew. We sat in the bar for our dinner, it was very quiet, still early, so she was able to serve us, as well as talk to us. So much information! She's doing really well at work, I could see that, she'd paid for her school for this year from her own money she made over the summer, she was all ready for the new semester except for a couple of things, her boyfriend was fine, she actually knew what her brother was up to, which means they are talking to one another (cool!), and all is well.
this is why I am an idiot.
She's not mad at me, she's just being a normal, 20 year old, busy, social woman, enjoying her life and moving forward. All the animosity I saw, or imagined, was just a productive of my idiotic brain and ego, filling in the blanks with catastophications and doom and gloom.
And best of all possible goodbyes, not only did I get a great big hug, but so did RT! He was so shocked and pleased!
I wept on the way home... from anger at myself, to relief, to happiness, to love, it ran the whole gamut. But this morning I feel lighter, less burdened, and so appreciative of my world, my family, my partner.
It's a beautiful morning, but I AM STILL AN IDIOT.
p.s. Was just reading one of my favourite sites, and this link says it all... http://www.google.ca/reader/view/?tab=my#stream/feed%2Fhttp%3A%2F%2Ffeeds.feedburner.com%2FICanHasCheezburger
Friday, August 26, 2011
Lovely visit
My bestie from Ottawa came by last night on her way to a family visit in London. It was great to spend the evening with her and catch up on all our news. It's always wonderful to have her visit, she can always be counted on to provide me with sound counsel and juicy gossip!
She brought gifts for us and the boys - the boys loved her (and her presents!). I'm so glad our home has a guest room so she can come by on her way through town.
She brought gifts for us and the boys - the boys loved her (and her presents!). I'm so glad our home has a guest room so she can come by on her way through town.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Crazy Storm last night!
The thunder! The lightning! The rain!
Oh my goodness it was scary! and RT was on afternoons, so it was just me and "the boys". I don't know who was more nervous, me or the kittens - they were cowering under the bed and i was cowering under the covers! and then, the migraine hit. ouch, it was a bad one.
When my honey came home, he brought me an icepack and tried to make me feel better, bless him, and when I finally slept, I never heard a thing the rest of the night, he must have tiptoed!
Hope everyone is safe out there, and that they don't have significant storm damage!
Oh my goodness it was scary! and RT was on afternoons, so it was just me and "the boys". I don't know who was more nervous, me or the kittens - they were cowering under the bed and i was cowering under the covers! and then, the migraine hit. ouch, it was a bad one.
When my honey came home, he brought me an icepack and tried to make me feel better, bless him, and when I finally slept, I never heard a thing the rest of the night, he must have tiptoed!
Hope everyone is safe out there, and that they don't have significant storm damage!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Update
Lovely dinner last night with a good friend who I don't get to spend nearly enough time with. It was great to sit and talk and relax and get caught up. And it's always helpful to have a fresh perspective on issues and challenges, she said something to me that really made me realize that I'm overpersonalizing the situation with my daughter. I'm glad she is comfortable enough to tell me the truth, it's great to have good friends.
And good partners! Who came home early, told me he'd been thinking about our conversation from yesterday (which had been about work), and gave me his perspective. He had been smart and sensitive enough not to suggest a "fix", especially right away, but I valued his input and honesty. Then when I came downstairs this morning there was another lovely note telling me he'd made me a lunch, taken care of some of the household chores, and wanted to let me know how much he cares about me.
That's one of the best things about the afternoon shift - we communicate by notes on the kitchen counter as we usually don't see too much of each other, and they are often funny, usually sweet, and always make me smile.
My bestie from Ottawa is coming through town tomorrow, can't wait to see her! and she'll get to meet "the boys". It will be great to spend the evening with her tomorrow and hear all about what's going on with her life, I miss her!
P.S. Still no response from my daughter, and my son's working so much he doesn't have any free time... maybe next week.
And good partners! Who came home early, told me he'd been thinking about our conversation from yesterday (which had been about work), and gave me his perspective. He had been smart and sensitive enough not to suggest a "fix", especially right away, but I valued his input and honesty. Then when I came downstairs this morning there was another lovely note telling me he'd made me a lunch, taken care of some of the household chores, and wanted to let me know how much he cares about me.
That's one of the best things about the afternoon shift - we communicate by notes on the kitchen counter as we usually don't see too much of each other, and they are often funny, usually sweet, and always make me smile.
My bestie from Ottawa is coming through town tomorrow, can't wait to see her! and she'll get to meet "the boys". It will be great to spend the evening with her tomorrow and hear all about what's going on with her life, I miss her!
P.S. Still no response from my daughter, and my son's working so much he doesn't have any free time... maybe next week.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Weekend for repairing and reflection
Well, our dinner party never happened, the guests had to cancel last minute, a family issue. Oh well, it was good for us to spend time together with our kitties, and enjoy each other's company.
We went to Ikea on Saturday, and spent part of Sunday putting together our purchases. I really like building things with him, and working together - there's no competition, no challenging, just collaboration and cooperation - wow!
It was good to get busy, especially on Sunday. I was getting on the very edge of blue, I miss my daughter desperately, and it's her 20th birthday tomorrow. I haven't heard anything from her in more than 3 months, and it's worse than downright aggression. Not knowing what's going on is more painful than anything she might have to say to me. I email her regularly, and comment on her Facebook occasionally, and try to stay in touch without being annoying, I know she hates my life right now, but she doesn't really KNOW my life right now,so how can she hate it? sigh, it really, really bothers me. Sometimes I can't decide which is more destructive... the crushing sadness about it, or the boiling anger that sometimes bubbles up. I had to go to Staples today, to get some things for the house and office. Seeing all those kids getting their school supplies made me very sad and nostalgic for those simpler days, when she and I would head to Staples to pick out this year's binders, notebooks and stuff. Sigh. Well, she's a college girl now, and has her own life. That's what I'm supposed to want as a good mother, right? Our little girl's turning into independently thinking and confident, intelligent young women, right? Well, I guess I got my wish. Too bad it seems to have come with total dissatisfaction of my parenting skills.
We went to Ikea on Saturday, and spent part of Sunday putting together our purchases. I really like building things with him, and working together - there's no competition, no challenging, just collaboration and cooperation - wow!
It was good to get busy, especially on Sunday. I was getting on the very edge of blue, I miss my daughter desperately, and it's her 20th birthday tomorrow. I haven't heard anything from her in more than 3 months, and it's worse than downright aggression. Not knowing what's going on is more painful than anything she might have to say to me. I email her regularly, and comment on her Facebook occasionally, and try to stay in touch without being annoying, I know she hates my life right now, but she doesn't really KNOW my life right now,so how can she hate it? sigh, it really, really bothers me. Sometimes I can't decide which is more destructive... the crushing sadness about it, or the boiling anger that sometimes bubbles up. I had to go to Staples today, to get some things for the house and office. Seeing all those kids getting their school supplies made me very sad and nostalgic for those simpler days, when she and I would head to Staples to pick out this year's binders, notebooks and stuff. Sigh. Well, she's a college girl now, and has her own life. That's what I'm supposed to want as a good mother, right? Our little girl's turning into independently thinking and confident, intelligent young women, right? Well, I guess I got my wish. Too bad it seems to have come with total dissatisfaction of my parenting skills.
Friday, August 12, 2011
It's been a tough week for everyone...
I'm glad it's over. Bring on the weekend!
There was some heavy duty air-clearing yesterday, a lot of honesty and a lot of tears. It has exhausted everyone, but it's all for the good.
Looking forward to dinner guests on Saturday night, should be a fun and relaxing evening.
There was some heavy duty air-clearing yesterday, a lot of honesty and a lot of tears. It has exhausted everyone, but it's all for the good.
Looking forward to dinner guests on Saturday night, should be a fun and relaxing evening.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Was it a nightmare, or was it real?
That was the feeling I woke up with this morning. I was, for just a minute or two, unsure if the phone call I got yesterday afternoon from a dear friend was a bad dream, or if it had actually happened. It was very bad news, she's ill and in for the fight of her life. She knows I will be there for whatever she needs, whenever she needs it, but I feel so damn angry and helpless!
Why is it that the people with the biggest hearts go through the worst stuff? This woman is an ANGEL, caring and sincere in her appreciation of others, highly intelligent, honest as the day is long, and truly great at her vocation. Really? She's the one that gets the Big C?
I know, no-one said life was going to be fair, but damn it, it should be.
Why is it that the people with the biggest hearts go through the worst stuff? This woman is an ANGEL, caring and sincere in her appreciation of others, highly intelligent, honest as the day is long, and truly great at her vocation. Really? She's the one that gets the Big C?
I know, no-one said life was going to be fair, but damn it, it should be.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Congrats to the 3rd Newtonbrook Rovers...
for having such a successful weekend celebrating their 50th anniversary! What a great turnout! I was so proud to be involved with, and help out in a minor way. We're tired, dirty, and slightly hung over, but it was all worth it. Congrats to Dave, Rosemary and entire committee for hosting such a great event!
Friday, August 5, 2011
A Quiet, but productive evening...
After dropping off Ron's kids back in their hometown, we took the long, and somewhat lonely drive back home. It was also the first time we'd left the boys for more than a couple of hours, so we were a bit anxious as to what trouble they'd gotten themselves into.
But it was worrying for nothing, they were fine (of course!) and very happy to see us. There's something so wonderful about being greeted at the door, with squeaks and purrs and meows, with upturned tails and a happy tilt to their ears. It makes me very happy to be home.
To distract ourselves from the emptiness of the kids' absence (it's always a wrench, esp. for Ron) that we got busy... busy in the kitchen that is! We reorganized the pantry to make room for the kitty supplies, retied the tomato plants, which are threatening to take over the backyard, and watered the garden. By the time is was time to retire, the kitchen and backyard were organized, clean and beautiful! It's great to live with a partner who enjoys a tidy home... he inspires me to be more tidy as well. (It certainly doesn't come naturally to me, much to my frustration!)
Today we've got a lot of stuff to do to get organized for the http://3rdnewtonbrookrovers.weebly.com/ Newtonbrook Rovers 50th Anniversary - should be a great weekend. I'm slated to photo the events, so I've got to get my equipment ready, plus pack for us, get a cake and decorate it with the logo, could be a fun day!
But it was worrying for nothing, they were fine (of course!) and very happy to see us. There's something so wonderful about being greeted at the door, with squeaks and purrs and meows, with upturned tails and a happy tilt to their ears. It makes me very happy to be home.
To distract ourselves from the emptiness of the kids' absence (it's always a wrench, esp. for Ron) that we got busy... busy in the kitchen that is! We reorganized the pantry to make room for the kitty supplies, retied the tomato plants, which are threatening to take over the backyard, and watered the garden. By the time is was time to retire, the kitchen and backyard were organized, clean and beautiful! It's great to live with a partner who enjoys a tidy home... he inspires me to be more tidy as well. (It certainly doesn't come naturally to me, much to my frustration!)
Today we've got a lot of stuff to do to get organized for the http://3rdnewtonbrookrovers.weebly.com/ Newtonbrook Rovers 50th Anniversary - should be a great weekend. I'm slated to photo the events, so I've got to get my equipment ready, plus pack for us, get a cake and decorate it with the logo, could be a fun day!
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