Wow, what a day Saturday was! RT and I had stayed up late on Friday night, so we had a lovely sleep in on Saturday morning. Then, we got up, went to the market and did the grocery shopping. I feel a big cooking session coming on with all the food we stocked up with! But I digress from the point of this entry. (More about the food later...) On Friday I mentioned how I wanted to go to the cemetery where my parents are, tidy it up a bit and show it to him. And I casually mentioned how it was very near where my daughter works at a restaurant. `Why don`t we go there for dinner, then` he suggested. Sure, sounds good I said without thinking.
But then Saturday, as we`re doing errands I start to have doubts. If you`ve been reading along with this blog, you know that I have been somewhat estranged from my daughter for several months now, and it`s been killing me. The opportunity to perhaps see her was exciting, but scary too! She`s never met RT, actually refused to come to our home, and hasn`t said a word to me since May. I had pretty much decided it was a bad idea and I couldn`t do it when RT says at the last store in our errands - Do you want to buy your daughter a birthday card? I started to say, no, I think we shouldn't go, when he says, come on now, it's going to be fine, this is a good idea, you need to face it. Argghhh. But I was scared and nervous. Maybe not knowing anything was better than outright rejection... (I know, I know, I said exactly the opposite a few entries ago). I hugged him and whispered that I was scared and needed a "push". He knew exactly what I meant. We chose a card, a funny one, and some flowers, pale pink roses, to take to her. And went home to unload all that delicious food.
Later in the day I drove us down to North York and took RT to see the cemetery. It was a nice moment, and it inspired me to tell him all kinds of little stories about when I was a child. And then we drove to the restaurant. I was so nervous, I almost forgot the flowers in the car!
I was really doubting this was a good idea, but he was right there, supporting me and understanding exactly what I was feeling. That helped a lot.
We walked into the restaurant and I saw her at the bar. She looked great! She glanced up at me and turned away! OMG! I felt my heart break, and I froze. Then, she looked up again and said! "Oh, my, it's my Mom!" in a big happy voice, with a big happy smile. She hadn't recognized me! (I'm not sure what to make of that, other than perhaps I was a complete surprise and out of context, too. I can't imagine I look that different!)
I got a hug, it felt wonderful, and I introduced her to RT. They shook hands and she kept smiling. But it wasn't the smile of a professional bartend, it was the happy smile of someone truly glad to see us. Whew. We sat in the bar for our dinner, it was very quiet, still early, so she was able to serve us, as well as talk to us. So much information! She's doing really well at work, I could see that, she'd paid for her school for this year from her own money she made over the summer, she was all ready for the new semester except for a couple of things, her boyfriend was fine, she actually knew what her brother was up to, which means they are talking to one another (cool!), and all is well.
this is why I am an idiot.
She's not mad at me, she's just being a normal, 20 year old, busy, social woman, enjoying her life and moving forward. All the animosity I saw, or imagined, was just a productive of my idiotic brain and ego, filling in the blanks with catastophications and doom and gloom.
And best of all possible goodbyes, not only did I get a great big hug, but so did RT! He was so shocked and pleased!
I wept on the way home... from anger at myself, to relief, to happiness, to love, it ran the whole gamut. But this morning I feel lighter, less burdened, and so appreciative of my world, my family, my partner.
It's a beautiful morning, but I AM STILL AN IDIOT.
p.s. Was just reading one of my favourite sites, and this link says it all... http://www.google.ca/reader/view/?tab=my#stream/feed%2Fhttp%3A%2F%2Ffeeds.feedburner.com%2FICanHasCheezburger
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